[The following article is entirely satirical]
The mainstream media refuses to ask Joe Biden the hard questions. They would rather ask him about what flavor ice cream he bought (Yes, that actually happened) than ask him about, you know, that whole pay-for-play scheme Joe is caught up in with his son Hunter.
During the rare times that Biden is actually asked a tough question by a reporter or voter, he snaps. He can’t physically handle being challenged. Last week, he was asked one question about the Hunter Biden laptop story and he snapped at the offending reporter, calling the story a “smear job.” He didn’t actually address the claims of the story head-on, but rather elected to play the victim without providing any evidence to back up his claim.
Since the mainstream media won’t ask Biden the tough questions, I will. Not that he would ever sit down for an actual interview with me, but one can dream. The following are a few questions I would ask Sleepy Joe if I had the chance…as well as the responses I expect he’d give.
Me: “Thank you for joining me, Mr. Vice President.”
Biden: “Thanks for having me. It’s a pleasure to be here.”
Me: “So, just to clarify for the audience, what office are you running for?”
Biden: “Oh, come on, man. I’m running for the Senate.”
Me: “Actually that’s incorrect. You haven’t been a Senator since 2008 when you were selected as Vice President.”
Biden: “Oh, yeah, that’s right. I was working for that guy…what’s his name? My old boss.”
Me: “Sir, that man was named Barack Obama. He was the 44th president of the United States.”
Me: “Ok, this interview is off to a great start. Moving on. On multiple occasions, you have said that you never talked to your son about his foreign business dealings. In light of the recent revelations contained in your son’s hard drive, do you stand by that statement?”
Biden: “It’s nothing but a smear campaign! It’s all lies! You are a lying dog-faced pony soldier”
Me: “Well, that seems unnecessary, but ok. Let me ask you a related question. For the record, can you confirm or deny that you were involved in Hunter’s pay-for-play scheme? Did you use your government position to profit by selling access to yourself and other government officials?”
Biden: “You’re a damn liar!”
Me: “Um, I was merely asking a question, sir. But I can see that we are getting nowhere on this subject, so let’s move along, shall we? You once stated that, if elected, you would ban fracking. You now say that you wouldn’t. Were you telling the truth then or are you telling the truth now?
Biden: “I never said that. You don’t know what you are talking about!”
Me: “Sir, I have the quotes right here if you’d like me to read them to you.”
Biden: “I am smart. I don’t need you to read to me. I was top of my law school class.”
Me: “Actually, Mr. Vice President, you finished at the bottom of your class.”
Biden: “That’s not true. Come on, man!”
Me: “I am not going to debate with you like Chris Wallace or Savanah Guthrie did with President Trump…but facts are facts. Next question: Are you being used as a Trojan Horse by the far Left in your party? Are you running on Bernie Sanders’ and AOC’s platform, or your own?
Biden: “Do I look like a socialist to you?”
Me: “Well, I’ll be asking the questions if you don’t mind, Mr. Vice President. I was simply referring to the 110-page manifesto that was written by the far-Left wing of your party. That looks pretty socialist to me. Final question: What do you stand for? Why are you running for president? And spare me the line about Trump’s response to Charlottesville as being the reason. Nobody of sound mind believes that.”
Biden: “I stand for…you know…the thing.”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea what you mean… but we will have to leave it there. Thanks for sitting down with me today.”
Biden: “Thank you for having me, Chris.”
Me: “My name is Ryan, not Chris Wallace. But you’re welcome, Mr. Vice President. We will have to do it again sometime.”
Biden: “Ok, next time I’ll bring Corn Pop along.”
Me: “Um, as long as you don’t talk about your blonde leg hairs or sniff my hair, that is fine.”
Well, there you have it, folks. Not a bad impression, right?
But in all seriousness, hopefully, this man doesn’t become president. In the words of Joe Biden: “Come on, man!”
See you next time when we interview Sleepy Joe’s good friend Corn Pop, “a bad dude who ran with a bunch of bad boys.”