If being in an airport and going through security doesn’t infuriate you, then I hate to say this, but you’re not a patriotic American.

It’s like walking through a timeline of lost rights over my lifetime. From terrorist fighter and treason master George Bush with his “Patriot Acts” to Barack Obama pumping the NSA full of steroids, it’s like a reminder that my rights are slowly being whittled away by the entity tasked with protecting them.

And not for nothing, but while I know Trump himself didn’t force me to wear a face mask away six feet away from the next Billy Goat, he could have fought harder to protect our rights when all was said and done.

You get to walk into our nation’s airports freely—but you’d better be wearing your mask, and it’d better be the “correct” one or else you risk getting kicked out thanks for the advice Docta Fowchee!

Next, you can unpack the sh*t you just packed neatly and put it into multiple little bins so they can stare at it properly to make sure you’re not bringing water bottles or food.

Next is the fun part: we get to strip! Don’t get too excited, as it’s just your belt and shoes, you little minx – oh, and don’t forget the hat and jacket! Who cares how cold it is?

You even get to walk through a scanner anyways so they can check out what you look like naked. If you’re modest, don’t worry, they make you keep your mask on so you’re not completely naked. You know, so they can be extra safe.

Finally, they pat you down, just to make sure you feel as good as you look in their body scanner. It’s for your safety. “Was it as good for you as it was for me?” It’d be great if they offered you a cigarette after.

Now you get to rush pack all the items they made you unpack while 20-30 people wait behind you. Of course, you could have just packed your stuff into a bigger bag to check at the kiosk, before getting molest… I mean, going through security, but that’ll be another $50 bucks please. It’s a safety fee.

Don’t worry, you’ve got PLENTY of time to get to your plane while you repack your bag, put your belt back on, and retie your shoes. Oh, and don’t forget to put away the bins they so courteously lent to you!

Have a nice day, lemming!

It’s all good though…

You’ve made it to the land of safety, where you get to pay $15 for a bag of M&M’s…the extra safe kind.

A land where airlines can steal the seat you overpaid for because they sold it twice & kick you off the flight.

Not a big deal, you couldn’t have fit in it anyway! Just call our customer service line! You’ll get right through….to a computer! Those are smart and safe! You can’t catch the viruses they carry!

Such a magical place, where low-hanging fruit in semi-badged uniforms can hold some kind of power and remind you to keep your chin diaper above your nose.


You mean Texas rangers?

I love the Airport!

The pinnacle of safety where people are treated with respect and dignity.

The airport defines the NEW *¥America¥*, where your food is overpriced, your accommodations are lackluster, people have to stand 6 feet away from each other in line (but get to sit next to each other on the plane) and, most of all, your stolen rights are displayed with each and every move you make!